Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Pessimistic lines

I have always been saddled with the belief that negativity is smarter than positivity. Not just smarter, but truer and more mature. Anyone being honest with themselves about this life would have to concur with the "nasty, brutish and short" description.

But really, I don't care about smart, or truth, or maturity. What I do care about is fear. I fear looking stupid more than I enjoy appearing smart. I hate being wrong more than I like being right. Every decision I make seems to be a "lesser of two evils" situation. It's not that it's bad to begin with, but that's just the way I look at things -- in terms of which thing will hurt less rather than which thing will help more.

I'm not oblivious -- this is a huge problem for me and I need to figure out how to overcome it. Reverting back to my "glass half empty" philosophy every time something doesn't go my way is an act of cowardice and laziness. It takes courage to hope for things, and for me, it takes effort. Even if I turn out to be wrong, it's still important that I believe that I could have been right. I need to get so good at optimism that it becomes my default.

I don't know how to do this. But I'm gonna start by exercising gratitude. Everything that happens to me, I will be thankful for, no matter how little I understand it. It's something I need to practice so I can get good at. I don't need to get any better at complaining.

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